Legend of Zelda: Secrets Revealed
by Earth's Child
Summary: What do our favorite Zelda characters keep hidden from the rest of the world? Read this and you'll find out. Rated PG-13 for a few mild curses.


Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda or Nintendo, so please do not sue me. Thank you.  
  
By: Earth's Child, with A LOT of help from Chiyo and DBZBella  
  
  
*Legend of Zelda: Secrets Revealed*  
  
  
Good day, and welcome to another episode of Secrets Revealed.   
(Starts playing freaky theme song.)  
  
Today we will be revealing the many startling secrets of the famous Zelda: Ocarina of Time characters. Our first character is Zelda.  
  
According to our secret sources, (cough, Zelda's maid, cough) Zelda was seen in her bathroom urinating standing up. It was revealed that she is A MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
(Dun dun dun)  
No, no, we're just kidding with you. Actually, Zelda just has 6 toes on her left foot, and 4 toes on her right foot. Freaked out? So were we.  
  
When Link was a child, it was revealed that he was completely nude under his tunic. Yes folks, you heard me right. Nude. We have a witness of this account. Mr. Deku Tree …. If you may.  
  
Deku Tree: Goooood LOORRRRDDD!! I thought I'd go blind from all the flashing that boy was doing. Lemme tell you folks something. When I was telling him the story of the three goddesses, that boy sat right in front of me with his legs WIDE open like a mother giving birth, and I saw the works. At that very moment, something just snapped inside of me. I got all gray, and I felt like my spirit was lifted outta me, and everybody thought I died, but the truth is I was in shock! I got over it after he left, but 'til this very day, I get all gray and dead-like when he comes around.   
  
Thank you, Mr. Deku Tree. Well you heard it here folks. The Great Deku Tree was in shock, not dead, because of the "show" young Link put on.  
  
As for adult Link, it is said that he never actually reached puberty. It just goes to show, you can't jump seven years into your future without something going seriously wrong.  
  
Now our next character is Ganondorf. Ganondorf, the evilest man in the land, has quite a dilemma. He spontaneously drops feces when he is angry. When Link defeated him for the first time, blood wasn't the only thing that came out of him. Here's a young Stalfos with details.  
  
Stalfos: Damn yo! After Link kicked his ass, me and my crew went to stay in Gan the Man's castle and I found some nastee ass shit! And I'm serious dawwg, I found a big piece of poo laying on the floor, and I grabbed it cuz I thought it was some beef jerky, but then I smelled it and it was NASTEEE!!!!!! So I threw it, and it hit my otha friend in his head, and he got all pissed off and was like " Damn dawwg, why you gotta hit me in the head with some shit! Yo! It ain't even funny. My game was tiiiiggghhhhttt before you through that shit at me! Damn Imma kick your…….  
  
OK! Ok thank you Mr. Stalfos. Our next character is Rauru. Now this man is known for his wisdom and power, but if people knew the truth about this sophisticated sage, I doubt they would think of him this way. He actually wobbles like a duck when he walks. Yes, he wobbles like a duck. You may have noticed that in the game he remains still at all times, but if you see this large man in action, you'd notice he very much resembles a large goose.  
  
Our next and final character for this episode is Naburoo. She is the beautiful, amazon Gerudo who has the qualities to be a sage. She has quite a problem when it comes to her nose. It's as simple as this….She can't pick it. If you notice she has short stumpy fingers (with no nails) and her nose is a bit on the long side, and if you do your math correctly, it's easy to see why she can't pick her nose. Here's an apprentice Gerudo with details.  
  
Apprentice: Are we alone?  
  
Interviewer: Yes Ma'am.  
  
Apprentice: Ok. Good. Well it's like this. One day I was guarding the room in which Naburoo was staying in when I heard a strange grunting sound. I didn't know what to make of it, and I thought maybe she was in trouble, so I quickly ran in to help her. But I didn't find what I expected. Instead I found a frustrated looking Naburoo with her finger smack dab in her nostril! She was so shocked to see me that she produced flatulence (she farted)!  
  
Heh heh heh ……… Ohh ……. ARE WE ON??? Sorry. Well that concludes this episode of Secrets Revealed. Tune in next time where we'll be giving away more character secrets. Until then ….. remember to keep you're secrets out of our reach.  
  
(Freaky theme song starts to play again)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Hee Heee…. How'd you like that little ficcy? We must warn you, it was our first EVER fanfic, so be a little easy on us and R&R!   



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